Review of a Movie Theater

Well it was my first official Holiday in 2012 and I was clueless how to spend it… Woke up at 9:55 am…very late by my rural lifestyle standards and wondered what should I be doing for the entire day? To be honest, villages leave you with very little option to do anything fun or entertaining… except maybe take a stroll down the village lanes, overlooking dry fields and cud chewing cows... but fortunately, today I am in Ahmednagar, a Tier 2 city, which boasts of a Dominos Pizza outlet, a Big Bazaar and even a Honda showroom, … unfortunately, the lone multiplex it boasts off, is a place I would avoid desperately…

Of course, for the last 3-4 years, my life has been synchronized to waking up, switching on my laptop, looking at that disgusting Windows Logo and my abysmal desktop and logging onto Work Email, Gmail, Facebook and Reuters or any random news website…all in that order. Today was no different…except that I woke up to this Movie Review on Reuters –an article they had shared on Facebook… “Ek main aur ekk tu” by no means was a movie on my Watchlist… I didn’t even know what it was until I read the review on Reuters which sang paeans about how it wasn’t a Hollywood copy etc etc… a bit more googling and every review shouted “gr8 stuff”… of course I expected crap (past experiences says, whenever everyone says it’s a good movie, expect bulls**t)…but then, I also had to form my own opinion…and it gave me a sense of purpose (!) rather than staring at an otherwise uneventful Sunday…

So inquiring with Satish the chaiwala, I found that there was a cinema hall nearby, which had been recently renovated and plays Hindi movies. So post lunch I started walking down the market yard towards the theatre… a lazy, hot and dusty Sunday afternoon walk… one surprising information I gathered while inquiring my way to “Subham Plaza” was that it has actually been renamed as “Subham Plaza Multiplex”… interesting!... now they have 2 multiplexes in Ahmednagar!!! 

So reaching the theater at 2 o’clock, I was taken by surprise,!  Yes there were posters of Agneepath and EMAET, but there wasn’t a single soul around the entire hall- the ticket counter was open, but no one was there in the counter…. An extremely shabby, unshaven tramp shouted from the 2-wheeler parking lot- 

Tramp: “What do you want?”

Me: Watch a movie…isn’t there anyone at the counter?

Tramp: Which movie? Agneepath show 3p.m and 9p.m, some other movie is playing from 12 p.m. and 6p.m…

Me: How do I get the tickets to that other movie?

Tramp: come after 30mins…maybe the ticket counter guy will come by then

Me: So you mean to say, tickets will only be available 30mins prior to the next show?

Tramp: Looks at me, chuckles and offers no answer…

Me: You know the ticket counter guy?

Tramp: Of course! I am the ticket collector here…..

Ooops………… I didn’t realize it, but the extremely dirty grey clothes he was wearing was actually the uniform of the Ticket Collector… his unshaven beard, unruly hair and the smear of dirt on his face made him look like a tramp…and he looked visibly drunk, considering that it was already 2 o’clock in the afternoon…

So a brief walk along the streets, a nice pista faludaa and a smoke later, I arrived at the “multiplex” once again to buy the tickets… and thankfully a sober man grinned at me asking whether I wanted Balcony (Rs.50), Stall (Rs.40) or Rear Stall (Rs30)…. I asked for a Balcony seat for the 6 p.m show and he immediately responded it’s all booked, and that I could get a Rear Stall seat… or else, I can ask that guy there (pointing at the ticket collector)- who might be able to offer me a Balcony seat for Rs. 60……… WOW!!!!             

Obviously, I decided Rear stall was fine enough with me and booked a ticket for the 6p.m. show… Here let me mention the ticket counter had altogether 4 counters (which were probably all functional in the theater's heydays)… the ticket counter queues had Iron Grill railings (which was possibly painted Green when Adam and Eve were still walking the planet) and iron meshwork, which gave it an appearance of a cage… on these meshwork, stuck all over the place were Black and White posters printed in Hindi and Marathi of libido medicines that lets you perform till apocalypse.. the cage-like dark pink ticket counter, once-upon-a-time green railings which also serves as the entrance to the theatre gives you an eerie feeling even before you have entered the hall.

A brief research on the theater tells me that it was named Subham Talkie prior to the “renovation” and now, having been renamed as “Subham Plaza” is being marketed as a “Multiplex” (although the theatre still has a single screen), simply by the virtue that it plays more than one movie a day (Agneepath and EMAET in alternate shows)… I was impressed… this is innovation, almost at its best…and the renovation means that the hall has a new signboard while the rest of the theater still struggles to keep intact its plaster coating, its color (which you can barely glimpse from the peeling off layers and pan stains) and leaking roofs…

I came back to my guest room, and again went to the theatre at 5:45 p.m… the hall continued to look desolate, although there was a small lamp glowing on the flex signboard reading “Subham Plaza Multiplex”… I entered the hall with ease considering there was barely 10-15 people in the theatre and then sat in the Rear Stall… surprisingly, the Rear stall consisted of only 2 rows and I was sitting in the first row… the only thing separating me from the front stall was Iron Grills (once again) which also served as a footstand for many… thanks for the extra comfort at 10 Rupess extra…

The hall did not have a wooden door- which u normally find in theatres, but had the remnants of curtain which was crying out in its modesty… the thick coating of dust on the curtain was evident as the color was unrecognizable… the hall occupancy was around 20-30 people at the most and the ticket collector (who was definitely drunk by now) was somehow managing to stand and use his torchlight to guide people to their seats.. Of course the female gender did not exist in the entire theatre… (bad luck- no pretty girls for my eyes to feast on L)..

The one thing which strikes you is the stench of Desi Daru whenever you enter any local cinema hall… Subham Plaza was no exception… the guy sitting next to me was carrying a pet bottle of a Local Jeera Soft drink (I think)…. I dint venture into inquiring whether the Jeera drink (yucks!) had been adulterated… but the reek confirmed it anyways…

The Hall boasted of an AC system, although I was sweating profusely inside, the environment was kinda damp, dark and depressing…and the strong heady smell of the daru was making me feel nauseous… The screen lit on and some ads started…now I am not used to watching political party ads in Movie theatre…this was an exception. Some National, International and local brand later the movie started…

I won’t get into the movie details- it’s not worth the effort, but honestly the sound quality of the theatre was possibly the only decent thing… the loudspeakers kept blasting with the mesmerizing voice of Kareena Kapoor as she decided to make a fool of herself on Christmas eve with a complete stranger (read Looser)… the film went on well… and as usual it started getting terribly boring after some point of time (As with any other Dharma production)… I looked around to check what the others were doing (as there were no doors, there was a bit of light from the outside entering through the threadbare curtain…)

Surprisingly of the 30 odd people, a majority was sipping something or the other… looks like Soft drink makes for a killing business in these theatres! One thick bearded uncle had already fallen asleep in the front aisle and 2 kids were playing games on their Chinese mobile phones…. Nice… I found it difficult to believe people actually spend Rs. 30 to booze inside a theatre… but then, I need to inquire about this psychology sometime later….

The Half Time came too soon, in a 1.5 hr movie I wasn’t expecting a half time to be honest… but then they need to sell their Vada Pavs… So one lonely hawker walked inside shouting Vada Pav and Popcorn(!), he even had some cream biscuits in his tray…. I walked out wanting to check out the Food Court I had seen while entering the hall…. Surprisingly the Food court was open, a guy dressed on faded Red T-shirt even asked me what I wanted to have- I looked at my options: Vada Pav, Cream Biscuits and something which looked like Samosa… they even had Soft Drinks and the Large Hand written Menu Read: (replicating the spelling as on the Menu Board)

1)      Soft Dinks (300 ml) – 10/-

2)      Samoosa- 15/-

3)      Kapi – 20/- (Hot)

4)      Tea- 8/-

5)      Biscute- MRP

6)      Popcon – 8/-

I asked if he had “Kapi”- he looked at me with dead eyes and said No, Tea? No… “Soft Dinks?”… We have “Papsi”…. Ok gimme one… he gives me a bottle of “Papsi” which looked duplicate for sure… there were no Logo, no print on the bottle, no Batch No, Mfg Date…and the thought occurred to me that the Pepsi 300ml is actually MRP at Rs. 12…how are these people subsidizing it? I returned the bottle to him thinking I will skip it.. but then he insisted I have it… I passed the temptation (it was actually priced Rs. 20- the counter guy said it was a typo)..

I checked out the restroom which had a huge queue, WTH, there were barely 30-40 people in the theatre? Then I realized that of the 3 urinals, 2 were blocked with you-know-wat and only one was available for use…anyways, that apart, I rushed back to watch the second half…..

Movie goes on and on… expectedly Hero falls in love… some attempted comedy scene with Granny and a shoddy song called Auntyji later, Kareena turns the philosopher… at a time when we are desperately struggling to get out of the mindset of being mediocre, she preaches the Gospel that “Average is good..its Cool..”

Hero happy, goes and blasts Papa, Mumma in front of horny business partners wife and then story ends…fortunately the last 3-4 mins is different, with a twist and saves the money… I look around and everyone in the hall have already slept off... the lights come on… people blink and wake up, stretch and start walking out…some abusing the movie maker-whoever it was….

I walk out of the "multiplex" theater with an experience I would remember for quite some time to come…