some failures... and some positives

“Why, Jon, why?” His mother asked. “Why is it so hard to be like the rest of the flock, Jon? Why can’t you leave low flying to the pelicans, the albatross? Why don’t you eat? Jon, you are bone and feathers!”

“I don’t mind being bone and feathers, Mum. I just want to know what I can do in the air and what I can’t, that’s all. I just want to know”

                                                                                        - Jonathan Livingstone Seagull (Richard Bach)

Around 7 months back, I decided to fast track the learning curve of my life… and I decided to do so through a process called experiential learning. Unlike the formal process which you refer to as education and which I find tiresome and ghissa pitta, designed to make a dim-wit out of you, I felt it was time to learn new things by actually doing them, by experimenting with truth the way I have never dared to do it before…

Stupid that I am, I felt that this process of experiential learning will be one of those inflexion points in my life… a journey which will teach me the unknown, groom me to take on bigger roles for that one big vision/dream which has been elusive for the last 26 years..

Now, I can go ahead and narrate the story of what I have done in the last 6 months; what form of time pass it amounted to, how the poor melts my heart and how frustrating it has been most of the times…. But then, this story isn’t about all that. It’s about time I reviewed my last 6-8 months, my learning’s and what is has done for me…

1)      Life is difficult, extremely difficult: When all of a sudden, you limit your spending and try to save every Rupee that you possibly can, life can sometime become unmanageable…. As a fellow working in rural development, and as an entrepreneur, let me tell you that there is absolutely no fun in living on a meager sum of money- never mind that I still earn a > 10X multiple of the official poverty limits set by our esteemed Planning commission….I am learning to simplify.... someday I think I will manage to live without a cellfone, internet and all the other essentials of life..

2)      Be Open: I remember that on 8^th August,2011  Rahul Nainwal (founder,  ivolunteer) mentioned during the induction program (of ICICI Fellows program): “trust the system”… while I smiled at it then and I still smile at the thought today, the reason for the smile has changed. I think I have learnt to trust the system …. I needed to mature as a person, and I think I am slowly doing that. I don’t say the system is good or great- like all other system, it isn’t perfect and has tremendous scope of improvement- but then, I think I have benefited from it quite a lot.

 I however, say this with a disclaimer: the learning is entirely upto you as an individual, you need to be smart enough to make mistakes, stupid enough to be honest about it, and greedy enough to focus on your individual development…. Your mentor, your coach and the rest of the junta will fail to help you if you fail to help yourself… owning up to my faults is perhaps my greatest learning in the last 7-8 months… I am finally confident enough to say that I am at fault when I am at fault…

3)      Social Work/ Developmental Work: I hear lots of people say “I want to join the social sector coz I want to help…. “, the only 2 words I have for you is “Go Away” (apologies for not using expletives…), The “I wanna Help…” model doesn’t work in social sector… we have had this attitude for too long which has resulted in too little… we ass-u-me too many things about rural needs… I realized this when I went for my first field project… Oh boy….. Was I an idiot? I totally made an Ass of myself with all the assumptions I made… but on hindsight I guess starting off foolishly wasn’t exactly bad…

4)      Connect: I am a decent communicator… I speak pretty okayishly… but I suck at connecting with people… and if it happens to be in a different language and with a village community- I am a disaster…. Well- I am still lost when it comes to connecting… need to figure out how to connect better… anyone? Any tips? Suggestions? Coaching? Well being a total failure in terms of connecting with communities isn’t a great sign….especially if you aspire to be a leader someday…. Need to sort this out asap….

5)      Problems Vs Opportunities: I am always told that I crib a lot… the only response I have always had for such accusation is a single word: “So?”…. I crib because I care...because I want, desire and aspire for better stuff… and why is that bad? I have a serious issue with our Indian mentality of “adjust kar le”... my question is “kaab taak?” While I continue to remain a critic of everything around me and continue to complain, I think the maturity I have gained over the last 7-8 months is to view these problems as opportunities…now I know that solutions are available, that solutions can be created and I am ready to take the accountability and role to solve them…. I say that with arrogance and humility….

6)      Patience: Of all the miracles I have been part of in the past few months, I guess the greatest is in my ability to be more patient these days. Rural development sounds neat, but I hope the systems were more efficient. Work in this sector seldom move at the speed and pace I have been used to. I can now sit and count till 100 without getting frustrated (I have tried it)…

I can think of many more positives to be honest… but then I wouldn’t want to pen it all down. As my learning curve continues to be on the rise, I have just promised to keep experimenting…. There has been days when I thought that I would like to quit…that I should have stayed back in the corporate environment, that this rural lifestyle it a pain…. But those days got outnumbered mostly… I wasn’t really successful to a great extent in the last six months…. Too many failures…too many mistakes… too less responsibility and too many days of joblessness... But then there were days- quite a few of them which made all the above possible… which helped me be more confident and which is helping me be someone more than who I thought I really was…. I guess had I not taken this step, I would have always been guilty of not doing all the good I could do in my lifetime….